Uncle Scorpius
by Wazzy Wazlib
Summary: I held the toddler at arm's length and said, "What's your name, kid?" The baby merely squealed at me, drool running down his chin. "Charming." ONESHOT Rose/Scorpius


**Disclaimer: Hold on, lemme check. Nope, its says J.K. Rowling on all of the Harry Potter books. Not Roonild Wazlib): **

* * *

Luna Scamander deposited one of her wide-eyed toddlers into my arms and then quickly readjusted her butterbeer cork necklace, using the hall mirror to smooth down her long dirty blonde hair.

"Thanks again for this, Rose," she told my flaming red headed girlfriend, who was holding the other toddler, who was eyeing her suspiciously. "Rolf and I will try not to be long—it's hard to tell, really," she said dreamily. "These once a year Quibbler banquets can really draw themselves out. It's quite funny how one can find the time has simply flown by whilst talking about dragon evolution. Goodbye, sweeties," she said, bending over to kiss the nose of Lysander.

Rolf Scamander hurried down the hall straightening his wizard's cap over his curly brown hair. "We're late, Luna, dear. We best hurry. Bye, champ," he said, ruffling Lorcan's hair. The toddler squealed in delight, trying to capture one of his dad's fingers.

"You know where the diapers are?" Luna asked Rose.

"Yes, ma'am. We're all set," she said with a grin.

"There's plenty of food in the fridge, just make sure Lorcan doesn't get a hold of the Plimpy pie after eight—if he happens to, just barricade yourselves in the loft and he won't be able to get to you."

Rose stared at her. "Uh…what?"

"Never mind, dear!" said Luna, taking her husband's arm and walking quickly to the door. "See you in a few hours!"

The door slammed behind them.

"Ewww-kay," Rose said, glancing down at the toddler in her arms. "Which twin is which, I wonder?"

I held the toddler at arm's length and said, "What's your name, kid?"

The baby merely squealed at me, drool running down his chin.

"Charming."

"Are you hungry?" Rose was asking her toddler, bouncing him slightly up and down as she held him. He answered her by tugging on her red curls.

Rose glanced at me.

"Don't look at _me_," I said with a shrug. "I've never babysat before."

She grinned. "I can tell you'll be a lot of help then."

* * *

As the evening dragged along agonizingly slow, I found myself constantly on my feet trying to keep the twins from killing themselves—why did babies deem it necessary to stick dangerously sharp things in their mouths?

After yanking a poker out of one of their pudgy little hands and placing it safely out of reach on the mantle, I turned to Rose.

"Do you think Luna and Rolf would mind if I petrified them?"

Rose looked at me in alarm. "_Scorpius!_ We can't petrify babies!"

"It would save us a whole lot of trouble," I grumbled. I sniffed at the air and then groaned. "Godric! What is that awful smell?"

Rose laughed at me as I pinched my nose, then scooped up the culprit in her arms.

"Oh, did Lorcan make a poo poo?" she cooed.

"How do you know that's Lorcan?" I asked, keeping my airways pointed away from the little monster.

Rose shot me a look as she placed the toddler on his little blanket and removed his onesy and then his diaper.

"Dang!" I said. "How can one little devil make all _that_?"

"Go check Lysander's diaper for me," she said, getting her wand out and using it to disperse the present Lorcan had left for us—smart thing to do, actually.

I looked around the sitting room. "Erm…where _is_ Lysander?"

Rose turned to stare at me. "You _lost_ the _baby_? Scorpius!"

"He was just here a second ago—and I can't tell them apart!"

"Goo!"

"Say what now?"

I turned around and nearly peed myself. Lysander—at least I _think_ it's Lysander—was sitting on top of the kitchen counter, not a care in his little toddler brain as he crawled along it, precariously close to the edge.

"Aaahhh!" I hurried forward and swiped the little bugger off the counter before he could fall to his death.

"Is he stinky?" Rose asked, completely oblivious to the fact he nearly died.

I cautiously sniffed in his direction. "Nah, he's good," I said with relief. "Say, have you seen my wand by any chance?"

She finished changing Thing Two as I put Thing One on the ground. "No, don't you have it?"

The twins immediately turned on me, each of them grabbing one of my legs. "No," I grumbled. "Must've put it down somewhere…"

"Awww, how cute!" said Rose with a teasing smile as Thing One tried nibbling on my boot.

I tried shaking them off, but let me tell you, those two have death grips.

"OK, little guys," I tried to reason with them, "how about you go catch some Nargles or something?"

They stubbornly remained attached to my legs as I waddled around the house trying to find my wand.

I could hear Rose laughing from the sitting room as I searched high and low in the front hallway for that pathetic piece of wood I used to defend myself with against evil people who tried to kill me.

"This isn't funny!" I called to her.

The twins attached to my legs thought otherwise as they giggled.

I finally pulled them off, much to their dislike as they began to cry.

Rose immediately appeared at my elbow.

"Scorp!" she reprimanded, picking up Thing One. He immediately began tugging on her hair, which she didn't seem to notice.

"I have to find my wand," I told her.

She struggled to pick up Thing Two as well, who joined his brother in tugging on her ponytail. "Would you rather hear them cry? Gees."

She went back into the living room and I, after scanning the carpet once again for that stupid piece of wood, followed her.

"Can you at least summon it?" I asked her.

"We're not allowed to use magic during holidays," she told me firmly.

"But it's an emergency! And _you_ used it to clean the kid's butt—"

She silenced me with a look and then sat on the ground and started playing with the twins. "How about you make yourself useful and fix them something to eat? I'm sure they're hungry. Aren't you?" she said to them in her baby voice. "Are you hungwy?"

If she wasn't so gosh darn cute, I think I would've just walked out the front door with a firm, "See ya, Rose!" at the first mention of babysitting.

As I entered the kitchen and opened the fridge, I stared open mouthed at all of its contents. At least one side of it was occupied with baby food! Godric, how much did these tykes _eat_?

"Uhhh, Rose? What am I supposed to do with the baby food?"

"Heat it up," came the reply.

"With what? I haven't got my wand!"

"You're absolutely helpless," she called. "Use the microwave!"

"The what? Is that a Muggle thing?" Why Luna and Rolf were using Muggle kitchen appliances beat me. Must be experimenting or something.

I heard her sigh explosively. "I'll do it," she said as she entered the kitchen. "Go watch the kids."

I drew in a deep breath as I reentered the sitting room, certain I was about to meet my maker. The twins looked up at my entrance, eyes wide and innocent, though I swear Thing One was cracking his knuckles in the corner of my eye. Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but you can't forget who their Mum is. She can be pretty scary, even if it's completely unintentional. Get what I'm saying? No? Never mind then.

I sat cross legged in front of the twins and we commenced a staring contest—I felt my will breaking as Thing Two, without even taking his unblinking eyes off of me, stuck his baby toy in his mouth.

My left eye began to twitch as I fought the urge to blink—I would _not_ be beaten by a one year old!

"What are you doing?" Rose asked from behind me.

I narrowed my itching eyes, begging myself not to break.

"Scorpius?" she sounded annoyed.

"What?" I said through gritted teeth.

"What are you _doing_? Why do you look like you're constipated?"

"ARGH!" I said, my eyes mere slits now as I tried my very hardest not to laugh. "We're…having…a…_staring contest!_" I grumbled.

Rose started laughing.

"It's two against one and _not fair_!" I complained, forcing my eyes as wide as theirs. Harder than I would've ever thought. Ever.

Thing One and Thing Two just sat there, unmoving. Creepy little buggers.

"Give it up, Scor," said Rose, "they're _Luna Lovegood's _sons. She can go without blinking for _hours_."

I groaned, closing my eyes and laying flat on my back. "I know! These kids have it in for me!"

She laughed again, scooping each of them into her lap. "Here," she said to me, holding out a big bowl of orange goop, "help me feed them."

"They won't stop staring!" I said as I sat back up and took the bowl. "What _is_ this? It reeks!"

"Carrots," said Rose. "Boys, open."

Right on cue, Thing One and Thing Two opened their little mouths expectantly, still watching me like a hawk. I scooped some of the mush into the spoon and cautiously fed it to Thing One.

Rose rolled her eyes at me. "Do you honestly expect it to blow up?"

Thing One immediately spat it back at me, the goop smacking me in the face.

Rose would've fallen over laughing her head off if she hadn't been holding the evil little tyke.

"Yes, actually," I said, wiping it off with my shirt, the only thing available besides the kid's blanket. "I expected him to do that."

"The _reason_ he did that, is because you didn't do it correctly."

I stared at her in disbelief. "I'm _feeding the kid wrong?"_

Rose sighed patiently. "Yes, Scor. Here, trade me places."

I looked at her like she was crazy. "You want me to _hold the kids?"_

She silenced me with another one of her looks and I sighed as I set the bowl aside and took the Twins on my lap. They immediately began poking and prodding me in the face.

"Boys, open," Rose said, once she had the bowl in her hands again. Their little mouths opened. "Here comes the choo choo train!" she said in her baby voice. "Choo choo!" she swished the spoon around as it came swooping towards their mouths. She repeated the notion for each of them. I watched her, fully convinced she had lost it, gone round the bend, fell down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.

As they were chewing—or whatever it is babies do with goop in their mouth—Rose smirked triumphantly at me. "_That _is how it's done, Scorpius."

"Well excuse me for not knowing I had to make a fool of myself in order to keep the next generation from starving."

She only grinned at me. "You're just jealous because for once someone doesn't like you!"

"Pfft!" I said, snorting. "As if I'm really concerned with what these little boogers think of me—_ouch! _Stop that!" Thing One attempted climbing up my chest, grabbing onto my nose to try and hoist himself up, kicking me in the stomach in the process. Thing Two merely sat there, picking his nose. "Don't you _dare_ wipe that on me—" I closed my eyes in horror as Thing Two wiped his precious nose cargo on my most favorite pair of jeans I possessed. Pretty inconvenient that I happened to be wearing them.

Rose laughed as Thing Two joined Thing One in attacking my face, and pretty soon they had become too much for me to handle, causing me to fall back as they jumped up and down on my stomach.

"Argh!" I roared, causing them to laugh.

"And you thought they hated you!" Rose giggled.

"They do! Hence the reason they're _killing me!"_

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Scorpius," she said.

She tugged them off one by one and I sat up. "I'm going to go and sterilize my jeans," I said, refusing to look in the direction of where Thing Two had deposited his bogie.

Rose rolled her eyes. "You're such a drama queen."

"Be that as it may," I said, standing, "there are _boogers_ on my jeans. I have to wear these in public, you know."

"Remind me again why we're dating?" she called as I ventured into the hallway. I poked my head back in the room.

"Because you love me," I told her with a cheeky grin.

The two toddlers simultaneously said, "Ewww."

"Who taught you that?" I asked, narrowing my eyes suspiciously at them.

They only giggled.

* * *

"Scorp! Come help me give the twins a bath!"

I jerked awake and toppled over the side of the couch that I had been napping on.

"What was that, Rosie?" I ran into the bathroom where she was running the water in the tub. She raised an eyebrow when she looked at me, a grin forming on her face. "What?"

Wordlessly, she pointed at my face and I immediately spun around to look in the mirror.

"MERLIN'S MISMATCHED SOCKS!" I screamed, slapping my hands to my face as I stared in horror at what Thing One and Thing Two had done to my beautiful face. I moaned, hurriedly turning the water on and splashing it on my skin, rubbing and rubbing as I tried to get rid of the magic markered mustache they had drawn on my face, accompanied by Harry Potter styled glasses and the lightning bolt scar.

Rose came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder.

"Well, you gotta give them credit for their crazy good drawing skills. There aren't many one year olds that can draw that well."

The twins, who were splashing around in the tub, looked over at me and I swear they were smirking evilly.

I pointed menacingly at them. "I'll get you for this. Mark my words!"

Rose laughed at me, saying, "Are you _seriously_ threatening little kids?"

"Hel_lo_?" I said, pointing at my face. "They're little kids who messed with my _face_! _No one_ messes with _this_ face!"

"Again," said Rose, shaking her head, "_why am I dating you?"_

"Because you—"

She put a finger to my lips. "Yeah, yeah, now help me bathe the twins."

"They might try to drown me," I told her as we walked over to the bathtub. "Or better yet, _I_ might try to drown _them_."

She turned to stare at me.

"Too far?"

"Just a bit."

* * *

After emerging from the bathroom, I was pretty much covered head to toe in water and soap suds, two happy toddlers once again attached to my legs, while Rose came out completely dry and baby-free.

Though as giggly as they were, Thing One and Thing Two gave into the occasional yawn, and Rose decided it was bed time for them, so I followed her up the stairs and into the loft that was their room.

Now, I'm not the jealous type, and it's immensely embarrassing to be jealous of the two little boogers, but their room was _awesome_. They had a set of bunk beds shoved up against the wall and a computer desk that was occupied by a huge fish tank full of all sorts of different little creatures. It was like a rain forest in a box, with a little pond and everything for aquatic animals. Though their room was a pigsty, covered in all sorts of little knickknacks, I had to admit it gave the room as a whole a more homey feeling to it.

After nearly busting my head open against a toy airplane that had been magically altered to fly around the room, I deposited Thing One onto the top bunk and Thing Two in the bottom. Rose casually switched them around to where they were in their correct beds.

"Do you want us to read you a story?" Rose asked them, once again using her cutesy voice with them.

I "borrowed" her wand to dry myself, not caring it was against the rules or anything. I know, I'm bad like that.

Thing One squealed something that sounded like, "Doo doo," and Rose took that as a yes, taking a seat cross legged on the floor with a book she had taken down from a huge bookshelf that for some reason was conveniently in their room.

I leaned against the bed post, a safe distance away from either of them tucked safely in their Crumple Horned Snorkack printed bed covers.

Rose opened the book and began reading the weirdest story I had ever heard.

"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a peasant man named Hammon. He was very tall and very strong, yet very sad."

Thing One burped, causing Thing Two to giggle. I had a feeling neither of them had a clue what Rose was saying, but she kept on reading anyway.

"Hammon had no friends, because everyone in the village was very scared of him because of his big strength. Little did they know, Hammon had the biggest and kindest heart in the world. He couldn't harm a fly!"

The twins were blowing raspberries, clapping their pudgy little hands. I hated to admit it, but they _were_ kinda cute. Then Thing Two made me take it back as he grabbed hold of a bouncy ball and threw it at me, hitting me square in the face. I wouldn't be surprised if that kid was a Chaser someday. He had good aim.

"Drink the dang bottle, kid," I growled, popping his bottle into his mouth. I did the same to Thing One and they immediately quieted down.

Rose continued reading, "And then one day, two little village boys were playing outside his house with their kick ball, and they accidently kicked it into his yard. Now, it was known throughout the whole village how big Hammon was, so naturally, the two boys were frightened, and didn't want to retrieve their toy."

"Eh?" Thing One said in his little voice. I shushed him, putting a finger to my lips and giving him my best Granny Weasley glare. He giggled and covered his face with his blanket. I cracked a slight smile at him.

"Before they ran off, however, Hammon came out of his house, picked up their kick ball, and came out to meet them. Both boys were too scared to move, staring wide eyed at the big man."

For some odd reason, I got the feeling Rose picked this certain story on purpose. It probably had some hidden message in it, being as smart and clever as she was. So of course I started picturing the two boys in the story as Lorcan and Lysander, and myself as Hammon. Which wasn't so bad, since the illustrations made Hammon look quite handsome and macho with his big bulging muscles. Rose glanced at me and I flexed my biceps, wagging my eyebrows at her and causing her to blush and roll her eyes.

"After the boys realized Hammon wasn't the mean and scary man everyone thought he was, they—" Rose paused, glancing at the two boys who had quietly drifted off to sleep.

She stood up, careful not to make any noise, and set the closed book down on the desk. She tucked them more snugly under their blankets and planted a swift kiss on each of their foreheads. "Goodnight," she whispered. I slung an arm around her shoulders.

"Aren't you gonna kiss _me_ goodnight?" I asked her cheekily.

She rolled her eyes at me, but there was a smile on her face like always. "Come on, I don't want you to wake them up."

"Don't need to ask me twice," I said, making my way towards the door, careful to duck underneath the speeding airplane. I felt like the little tykes were ticking pipe bombs ready to explode at any moment.

When we got downstairs, Rose said, "Oh! I forgot. I found this in Lorcan's onesy," she pulled my wand out of her pocket and handed it to me.

I took it, staring at it wide eyed. "You found this _where_?" I wiped it on my pants leg several times before tucking it safely away into my pocket.

Rose laughed, taking my hand. "So…now that the kids are asleep, what do you want to do?"

I grinned at her and chuckled darkly. "Well, I have an idea."

* * *

When Luna and Rolf came back home, they found Rose and I dead asleep on the couch in the living room, snoring like chainsaws, having passed out from exhaustion as soon as we reached the living room.

**THE END!**


End file.
